Nostalgia

Today was weird. All around strange. Firstly, last week it was 0 degrees a and rarely got over 10 during the day. Today I woke up to a 70 degree day. It was filled with sunshine; absolutely gorgeous. Well this started me off feeling good and bad at the same time..if that makes sense. I felt fabulous, and it brought back old memories. I guess you could say I quickly grew nostalgic with the familiar smells and temperatures. Basketball practice, only two hours instead of three thankfully, seemed to last four hours! I felt exhausted and like I could truly die. I air balled my last foul shot of the day..it was bad. I had NO ENERGY. I'm so sick of having this feeling. After practice, I came home, showered, and fell asleep on the couch. I was woken up by my cousins all coming in with the kids screaming and carrying on. As soon as I woke up, my mom needed me to bring her something. After my nap, being outside had me with that same "this feels great now, but it sucks, because I know it's going to be gone by tomorrow" feeling. I drove aroud Fairmont a little, and took the back way over Ice's Run to my Dad's house. That's when it really hit me. Driving over the old road like Daddy used to take us all the time. Ironically, as soon as I got back, my sister wanted us to go on a walk out that way with her (as she had been in bed all day yesterday with a fever of 101.4 and puking her guts up all day. My family has been dropping like dead flies since Christmas...one by one with this virus. I haven't gotten it yet, but out of the 20 in my family, my mom and I are the only ones that haven't gotten it yet..so I'm anticipating. ) Anyway...so I don't know how to explain this feeling...it feels so good and hurts so bad at the same time. I hate it. Really, truly, and honestly, I want nothing more than to be happy and somewhat normal. But, I can't even explain how I'm feeling, so it will be a long hard battle. I'm half asleep as I have been up watching television all night (a strange concept as I haven't watch TV in probably two years). Now I am very tired and down. I've been listening to my personal selection of Christian music tonight. I'm going to turn off the television and fall asleep to it tonight so that I can get up and go to church in the morning. I'm so excited because my little sister is going with me for once. Now, if I can get the rest of the family to follow along..

My 18th Christmas

Merry Christmas. Well, hopefully more merry than mine. Come December 1st of every year, my whole mood and outlook on life changes for about a month or so. I get very excited, listen to Christmas music non-stop, laugh, joke, shop, wrap presents galore, and so much more. I get the 'warm feeling' inside of me and it doesn't leave until usually after the New Year. My eighteenth Christmas was very different as I unfortunately expected after last nights 'blue feelings'.

I went to bed crying after holding it in all day. I fell asleep for what seemed like ten minutes and woke up to my twelve year old sister shaking me out of bed so that we could all unwrap presents. Well, before I did that, I had to find gift bags to throw the few gifts that I did manage to pick up two days prior to the holiday into. I just could not get myself to go shopping for anything, nor did I have much money to spend on as I am expected to pay for a lot more of my own things being this supposedly magical age of '18' now, which in any other conditions means NOTHING. Anyway, so I was a huge slacker this year, which was depressing enough.

When the unwrapping of gifts began, I couldn't help but smile, seeing my family happy and all together for once. I can't say that I wasn't thrilled with my gifts. I am certainly spoiled. However, I still had no real feelings of 'excitement'. Maybe this isn't as strange as it seems to me? Maybe it's my age? That's what I thought until the rest of the day happened.

After Christmas at our house was done, we all got ready and went to my Nanny's for gift exchange and dinner. Again, it was nothing special. The time seemed to drag on, I ate too much, and I just couldn't seem to find a spark of happiness. This was making me feel terrible, as it seems as if it should be a huge sin to have so much on such a wonderful day and to be so miserable.

The day continued like this as we journeyed all over the county to various family gatherings. We visited, ate way more than we ever should have, received more gifts than we probably deserved....just the typically holiday events. Yet, something was missing. That warm fuzzy feeling that usually fills me from head to toe was completely absent. Very painful.

After making one last trip up the interstate to see my ill grandfather at his home, I began to get more and more emotional. It all started with seeing that he was in physical pain. Then, after leaving, the thoughts of his being there next Christmas ran through my mind. When I got home, I had to pack up to go to my dad's for a week. I always struggle with leaving hone on Christmas and other holidays..but I have never gotten this emotional before, not even as a small child. I tried very hard to hold in the tears that I had managed to hold in all day, but when my mom wouldn't stop bugging me about what was wrong, I lost it, and was very nasty to her as a result of her nagging and making me cry. When we got to my dad's, he wasn't here yet, so we sat outside of the house that I grew up in for about ten minutes in what was almost absolute silence. This gave me time to think, which obviously did me no good either. I started thinking and getting nostalgic, and cried some more. My mom asked if I needed to stay tonight and come back tomorrow when my sister and my baby nephew and other relatives came in for Christmas at Dad's. My heart screamed, "YES!" But, my stubborn head make me say, "No, I'm fine." I'm 18, and as dependent as a 5 year old...as if that's not frustrating!

After I got inside, I had one more little episode and started to calm down. We gave my dad his gift. His new shirt looked really good on him, and it fit is large frame well. I was happy about this. Then he gave us our cards filled with money (as he has never really been involved enough with our lives to know what to shop for, and assumes it'd be better off if he left the shopping to my sister and I). He made us dinner, and now he and my little sister are watching a movie. I'm still feeling awful down. And I need to talk to The Man and get in bed...we have holiday basketball practice in the morning from 10 to 12, and the lack of sleep, all of the food, traveling, and extreme emotions have me exhausted. I pray to God that my 19th Christmas is as wonderful and magical as it was when I was that 'dependent 5 year old'.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!!

A Peek into my Simply Complex Life

Swimming in the deep blue is a bigger challenge than I enjoy accepting. I've been swimming for at least five years now if not more. I'm only eighteen and I'm already exhausted. This has been the hardest thing I can possibly imagine anyone going through in a lifetime. But, I'm not giving up if it's the last thing I do. I can only hope and pray that I am not consumed by my depression before I overcome it. I want to swim on into shore and begin to live my life. I want to be happy, spend time with friends, and have fun. I want to be seen somewhere besides locked up in my bedroom hour upon hour of every day. I want to know who I realy am and what I am truly like. I want to find myself.

I've come a long way in the past two years to get the help I truly need. My mom thinks I am perfect, and of course she wants me to be nothing more than this. Even though her birth mother suffers of schizophrenia and her half sisters suffer of bipolar disorder, she refuses to admit that either or both of us may have a mental illness as well. It took me at least a week to convince her to take me to see my family doctor. After several night of crying and discussing, and many conferences with teachers and other professionals that see me almost daily, my mom took me in to see the doctor. He did a screening which involved a lot of physical and mental questions. Afterward, he put me on a low dosage of Lexapro. He also referred me to see a neurologist as I was having a headache daily, and migraines almost bi-weekly. The neurologist put me on Gabapentin for my headaches and required that I remove all caffiene from my diet and get on a sleep schedule, both of which I thought would be impossible tasks at first. But, after I got into the new habits, my headaches got better. However, I was still having extremely low emotions, and I was often sleeping 18-22 hours a day. The doctor increased my dosage of Lexapro. It didn't help, and my doctor began to feel helpless and clueless. A couple of my teachers at this point were witnessing my extreme sadness as I was crying daily and missing several classes. They talked me into asking my mom about seeing a psychologist. Again, it took a lot of courage and convincing to get her to take me. She took me to a woman that I talked to when I was little while my mom and dad were getting a divorce because she was afraid of someone else "messing me up worse". I started seeing my psychologist about once every two weeks. At first, she seemed to think I was okay, too, and simply dealing with typical teenage problems. However, once my mom gave me more privacy with her, she began to see right through me. As time went on, I kept getting worse. She referred me to my psychiatrist. This is when the medication experimentation began. Upon the first visit, she said that she thought she would diagnose me with a mood disorder, but didn't want to right off until she studied and experiemented with my reactions to medications. She left me on Gabapentin; she said it was actually also used a a "mood stablizer", so it was a very good thing that I was already on it. Then she put me on Effexor XR over the Lexapro. I was on Effexor for maybe three weeks. It had me in horrible condtions with manyn side effects, the worst being that of suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking them on my own because of it until my mom noticed. She called the doctor, and the increased the dosage. This didn't help mugh either, as then I was simply 'emotionless'. I couldn't cry, laugh, or anything. I was almost just like a zombie sleep walking through life. I didn't care...about anything. So then my psychiatrist put me on Wellbutrin, which is what I am on currently. It seemed to be helping, but I was still getting many highs and lows. In my most recent visit, she tripled my Gabapentin dosage and doubled my Wellbutrin. My mom got very upset with this. She now wants me to stop seeing all of my doctors and to get off all medications. I knew she was just scared and tried to talk to her about it. It ended up in a huge fight in which she revealed that she was simply scared that I would end up like her sisters on disability and having no life.

It's been a hard few weeks. It's now Christmas Eve and I am still extremely depressed. I have been on the verge of crying all day, but managed to hold it in all but once around 3PM. I'm sure when I lie down for the night my pillow will be flooded. It is an aweful feeling that I am so depressed like this when I have so much and knowing how many families out there are so happy even with nothing, just realizing the true meaning of Christmas. I am going to go to bed and talk to the Man for a little bit in hopes of a little comfort and relief from this pain inside. I've come such a long way, and it could all be 'wasted time and effort' with in the snap of my mom's fingers. This is so hard, but I'm trying to keep my faith in the Lord that he will somehow bring me through this.


When you worry, read Matthew 6: 19-34.

When you are lonely or fearful, read Psalm 23.

When you are in sorrow, read John 14: 1-6.

When God seems far away, read Psalm 139.



Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ. Merry Christmas to all.

100 Things About Me

1. I have a creepy addiction to pizza and other Italian foods.

2. My favorite season is Autumn.

3. I hate wintertime, but I think snow is absolutely beautiful.

4. I have three sisters, one blood, one half, and one step. Two are younger than me. My half sister is 13 years older than me.

5. I am eighteen and a high school senior.

6. I watch my weight and count calories obsessively.

7. I adore children and hope to someday be capable of raising my own.

8. I love fashion; I own thirty pairs of fitting jeans and over fifty pairs of shoes.

9. My favorite colors are kelly green and pink.

10. I am a registered democrat.

11. I would LOVE to live in NYC

12. I am a Bible-reading Christian who has been saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.

13. I am a very caring person.

14. I'm told often that I am very mature for my age.

15. I have drank coffee since I was two and am very addicted to it.

16. I have been diagnosed as having mood disorder, but no specific one..yet.

17. I love challenges, all except for battling my self-diagnosed depression.

18. I have had many suicidal thoughts, and it is the scariest place in the world to be.

19. I am now involved with pageantry, and I won the first pageant I ran in.

20. I love to read more than anything, and I hate watching television!

21. The beach is my favorite place to be aside from my bedroom.

22. I love citrus, especially orange juice!

23. My Daddy's homemade wine is a real treat on special holidays and events.

24. I love to work out and be active. I'm very athletic.

25. I like to think that everything happens for a specific reason.

26. I like the idea of modeling and hope to get the chance to try it.

27. I want to sky dive just because I am scared to death to do so.

28. I love music of all kinds; classical, rock, metal, contemporary Christian, pop, rap...everything except for bluegrass!

29. I have a miniature long-haired dachshund named Jerry Lee after Jerry Lee Lewis.

30. I love poetry, and Robert Frost is my favorite poet of all time.

31. Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson are my idols.

32. I very much enjoy English, Literature, and Mathematics.

33. I am pro-life; no exceptions.

34. I hate the smell of cigarettes, although I smoked for 7 months after being pressured into it while working at a bar at a golf club with several co-workers who possessed the disgusting habit.

35. I love horses, and used to ride and jump them.

36. I love big cities.

37. I am obsessed with playing golf, and played on my varsity high school team as the only female for two years straight.

38. I have played basketball for 8 going on 9 years, and it is my life love.

39. My mom and I look alike and act alike. We are best friends, but also make each other's lives miserable.

40. I have a baby nephew, Memphis Steel- 16 months old, whom I love and adore.

41. I love to draw, paint, and build things.

42. I would like to pursue a career as an architect and interior designer.

43. I haven't been in true love yet.

44. I do not pray as often as I should.

45. I speak very little Spanish.

46. I love sushi and seafood.

47. I have extended family in West Virginia, Florida, and Michigan.

48. My dream school is Rennselaer Polytechnic Institute.

49. My parents are divorced, and only my mother remarried.

50. I would love to have a white, two-door Honda Accord.

51. I favorite number is 13.

52. I love playing leadership roles.

53. I believed in Santa Claus until I was 14.

54. I sleep excessively.

55. I miss a lot of phone calls.

56. I can type 65 words per minute.

57. I am extremely dependent upon others.

58. I'm slightly addicted to John Mayer.

59. I belong to no cliques.

60. I could live without a cell phone, but no one else could handle not being able to get ahold of me, specifically my mom.

61. I desire to have a stronger relationship with God.

62. I am always late no matter what; it is in my DNA.

63. I very much love naps.

64. If I had one wish, I'd wish I could sing.

65. My favorite soda is Dr. Pepper, but I don't drink soda very often.

66. McDonald's sweet tea is my anti-drug.

67. I think I have over active bladder disorder as I urinate as much as 6 times an hour.

68. I typically stand up for my beliefs.

69. I hate to text message, but do it often to keep up.

70. I want to be consistent in the following areas:
-attending church regularly
-having adequate prayer time
-going to bed at the same time every night
-getting out of bed at the same time every morning
-reading the Bible

71. My closet is very neat and is in color order, but I struggle to find time to clean my room.

72. I love red roses.

73. I love to swim, and was on the varsity swim team for two years in a row.

74. I can play guitar and piano.

75. I'm 5' 8", but wouldn't mind being an inch or two taller.

76. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder, but not a specific one yet. My doctors are still studying my reactions to different medications.

77. I have been on Lexapro, Effexor XR, and am currently on Wellbutrin. Lexapro made me worse and had many side effects. Effexor enhanced suicidal thoughts. I don't think Wellbutrin is working for me as my depression and manic episodes seem the most extreme at this time.

78. I hate high school.

79. Girls are nasty and two faced, so I typically have more guy friends.

80. I'm extremely emotional and I cry a lot, which I hate about myself.

81. I love to take pictures.

82. My hair is naturally brunette and naturally curly. I'm growing to like it, but still straighten it, alot.

83. I am Croatian, Polish, German, and Irish.

84. I have lived in WV all of my life.

85. I have yet to go west of Tennessee.

86. I've never been out of the country.

87. I would love to scuba dive.

88. I love the NY Yankees.

89. Nascar is interesting, but I don't keep up with it.

90. I prefer to have long hair.

91. I did gymnastics for about 8 years and loved it.

92. I hate making decisions.

93. I'd rather be hot than cold.

94. I love to run, but hip problems limit the hobby.

95. I hate following the crowd.

96. I am a major perfectionist and procrastinator which makes life difficult!

97. James Taylor is amazing to me.

98. I'd do almost anything to meet Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, and Jennifer Garner.

99. I'm typically outgoing when I'm feeling "myself".

100. I drive about 16 miles round trip to and from school.