My 18th Christmas

Merry Christmas. Well, hopefully more merry than mine. Come December 1st of every year, my whole mood and outlook on life changes for about a month or so. I get very excited, listen to Christmas music non-stop, laugh, joke, shop, wrap presents galore, and so much more. I get the 'warm feeling' inside of me and it doesn't leave until usually after the New Year. My eighteenth Christmas was very different as I unfortunately expected after last nights 'blue feelings'.

I went to bed crying after holding it in all day. I fell asleep for what seemed like ten minutes and woke up to my twelve year old sister shaking me out of bed so that we could all unwrap presents. Well, before I did that, I had to find gift bags to throw the few gifts that I did manage to pick up two days prior to the holiday into. I just could not get myself to go shopping for anything, nor did I have much money to spend on as I am expected to pay for a lot more of my own things being this supposedly magical age of '18' now, which in any other conditions means NOTHING. Anyway, so I was a huge slacker this year, which was depressing enough.

When the unwrapping of gifts began, I couldn't help but smile, seeing my family happy and all together for once. I can't say that I wasn't thrilled with my gifts. I am certainly spoiled. However, I still had no real feelings of 'excitement'. Maybe this isn't as strange as it seems to me? Maybe it's my age? That's what I thought until the rest of the day happened.

After Christmas at our house was done, we all got ready and went to my Nanny's for gift exchange and dinner. Again, it was nothing special. The time seemed to drag on, I ate too much, and I just couldn't seem to find a spark of happiness. This was making me feel terrible, as it seems as if it should be a huge sin to have so much on such a wonderful day and to be so miserable.

The day continued like this as we journeyed all over the county to various family gatherings. We visited, ate way more than we ever should have, received more gifts than we probably deserved....just the typically holiday events. Yet, something was missing. That warm fuzzy feeling that usually fills me from head to toe was completely absent. Very painful.

After making one last trip up the interstate to see my ill grandfather at his home, I began to get more and more emotional. It all started with seeing that he was in physical pain. Then, after leaving, the thoughts of his being there next Christmas ran through my mind. When I got home, I had to pack up to go to my dad's for a week. I always struggle with leaving hone on Christmas and other holidays..but I have never gotten this emotional before, not even as a small child. I tried very hard to hold in the tears that I had managed to hold in all day, but when my mom wouldn't stop bugging me about what was wrong, I lost it, and was very nasty to her as a result of her nagging and making me cry. When we got to my dad's, he wasn't here yet, so we sat outside of the house that I grew up in for about ten minutes in what was almost absolute silence. This gave me time to think, which obviously did me no good either. I started thinking and getting nostalgic, and cried some more. My mom asked if I needed to stay tonight and come back tomorrow when my sister and my baby nephew and other relatives came in for Christmas at Dad's. My heart screamed, "YES!" But, my stubborn head make me say, "No, I'm fine." I'm 18, and as dependent as a 5 year old...as if that's not frustrating!

After I got inside, I had one more little episode and started to calm down. We gave my dad his gift. His new shirt looked really good on him, and it fit is large frame well. I was happy about this. Then he gave us our cards filled with money (as he has never really been involved enough with our lives to know what to shop for, and assumes it'd be better off if he left the shopping to my sister and I). He made us dinner, and now he and my little sister are watching a movie. I'm still feeling awful down. And I need to talk to The Man and get in bed...we have holiday basketball practice in the morning from 10 to 12, and the lack of sleep, all of the food, traveling, and extreme emotions have me exhausted. I pray to God that my 19th Christmas is as wonderful and magical as it was when I was that 'dependent 5 year old'.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!!